The following is a story about a fictional family called the Darlings. Dad died three years ago. He left Mom a substantial estate, including valuable real estate, stocks and bonds. Mom has been declining in health and mind.
She loves email and keeps in touch with grandchildren, nieces and nephews. She enjoys the photos they post. She also likes to look up Bible questions and medical advice on the internet.
One day she gets an email from an unknown financial advisor. Then he calls her on the phone to tell
her about an exciting privately managed fund she can buy into. Only a limited number of people will be offered this golden opportunity. He tells her not to talk with anyone about this “can’t-lose-investment”. She mails check to him. She gets a couple of checks from the investment in the following months, but later the fund folds and she loses entire $20,000 of the investment.
Three months later: Mom gets a phone call from person claiming to be friend of son traveling in Africa volunteering with Doctors Without Borders…son fell ill and needs $5000 today to get home for emergency care … Mom wires money immediately as directed. Later when talking to her daughter in law in Indiana she learns her son is safe at home, never went to Africa or anywhere.
Family members: Mom lives in Florida. Married Doctor son lives in Indiana has two children; nmarried
Chemist son lives in Georgia; Divorced daughter teacher lives in California, has three children; Married daughter lives in South Carolina, has two children; Unmarried daughter lives in New York, fashion director for large department store.
Family learns about scams and lost money, and call conference with Mom. Doctor son says track down callers and sue. Chemist son wants to close checking account and open new one where only he can issue checks. Teacher daughter argues they must allow Mom to be independent. Unmarried daughter agrees for independence but says someone must check finances regularly. Mom says she wants to stay in her home and get help to come in when she needs it.
The doctor son has talked by phone with his brother and sisters about a live-in caregiver, assisted living facility, moving in with one of the family members, selling her home, or selling other real estate, but finds no agreement on what to do or how to proceed. At this point the married daughter in South Carolina calls Mom’s estate planning attorney in Florida and explains their dilemma. The attorney suggests calling in an elder and adult family mediator and the attorney sends her a list of
certified mediators. The South Carolina daughter calls her siblings to tell them of her conversation with Mom’s attorney. The doctor offers to interview by phone the listed mediators. He recommends one of the elder and adult family mediators who appeared to have extensive experience in similar family situations. They all agree to pursue this option and to participate in the mediation procedure and ask the doctor son to make the arrangements which he does.
By telephone conference with Mom and all siblings, the Mediator explains basic process of arbitration including the normal steps in building a consensus: Initially the Mediator will talk with each
individually, in confidence, by phone. During these interviews the Mediator will attempt to learn what are the priorities, the concerns, interests, opinions, and personal feelings of each one, and how each sees the outcome of this mediation for their Mom.
The Mediator will sort out the negative and positive comments and prepare a brief list emphasizing
the positive ideas put forward containing the elements that will bind the parties together. Many times it takes real effort to find common ground on which to proceed. He also proposes the ground rules for a round-table conference with all participants including Mom, such as no disparaging remarks about each other, or complaints about past grievances, or reasons for pushing an agenda based on some kind of revenge or getting even.
This concludes the first step … getting the right people to the table and learning
what each participant sees as the dominant issue. Next the Mediator summarizes the issues.